Tuesday, March 10, 2009

TAKEN, the movie

They should have called this movie SUCKEN. Because it sucks. It sucks big, soft, wet chimpanzee shit.

I got to watch this movie for free. Thank Jove, or else I'd definitely have had to kick someone squarely in the ass. Someone would have had to pay. Either the person who talked me in to seeing that steaming turd of a film, or the producer, or the director, or the screenwriter, or even Liam-fucking-Neeson. Yeah, if I'd paid, I'd have had to look him up and put my foot up his ass.

Liam, you better have a gun if I ever run into your washed up self.

If I hadn't been so pissed off, I probably would have laughed at some of the unintentionally funny crap in this movie. By now, I'm sure most of you know the basic story that they leak out to get your stupid butts into the theater to watch this crummy movie:

Liam Neeson's daughter goes to Paris (a hotbed of terrorist activity if ever there was one) where she is kidnapped by white slavers (from the former Soviet Union) to be sold to evil fucking Arabs. So between the Europeans, the Slavs, and the Arabs the authors of this shitty waste of time have managed to insult roughly half the Caucasian population of Mother Earth. Two-thirds if you consider that they tried to sucker most stupid white American males to see this hunk of buzzard vomit.

(Psst! Liam! This script sucks ass!)

So when she gets kidnapped one of the kidnappers takes the time to pick up the cell phone she was using to talk to her father, Liam Neeson, who was on the other end several thousand miles away in the good ol' USA. And Neeson then spends several hundred words explaining to the kidnapper what a badass he is and how, if they won't let his daughter go, Neeson will leap across the big pond and come and kill the kidnappers. Okay. Yeah. You've figured out the rest of the movie.

Big spoiler here:

Neeson does go across the big pond where he miraculously finds the bad guys and kills them all, including the Arab sheik who ends up buying his daughter. Man, that Arab was mighty stupid. He paid $500K for the rights to a skanky American teenager when he could have had a lot better for a handful of sweaty fives at the corner of Trade and Tryon. Yeah! Five HUNDRED THOUSAND dollars! I know what you're thinkin': "Bob! $500K ain't what it used to be!" Well, that may be right, but it will sure get you a HELL of a lot better piece of ass than Liam Neeson's skinny teenaged daughter. Oh, well.

This movie was so damned stupid that I had to keep punching myself on the jaw so that I could stay dumb enough to sit through it. And I am ashamed to say that I did sit through it. Call me Clem.


The film also has Famke Janssen in it, and she plays the bitchy ex-wife who left the heroic secret agent Neeson to bang a multi-millionaire. Now, normally, I think that Ms. Janssen is one of the prettiest babes on the globe. But she looks like dried leather in this movie. What the Hell??!! Either they uglied her up to make her less appealing, or she has (as my late brother-in-law Eddie used to say)
been rode hard and put up wet.

Hurry and open the box. Famke Janssen is getting dowdier by the minute.

So it goes. At least me sitting through that piece of shit has done some good. It has made me write this down on the Internet so that you dear readers can spare yourselves the same experience.

6 comments:

Mike Dobbs said...

But tell us what you really think!

HemlockMan said...

You're right. I held back.

Sterling said...

hmmm I thought Famke looked good in this movie...especially for a 44 year old.

elroy3000 said...

Famke was hotter'n hell as Xenia Onnatop in that James Bond movie (she got orgasms when she killed!) but even by the X-Men movies her looks were fading fast. Damnedest thing I've ever seen.

elroy3000 said...

Famke was hotter'n hell as Xenia Onnatop in that James Bond movie (she got orgasms when she killed!) but even by the X-Men movies her looks were fading fast. Damnedest thing I've ever seen.

HemlockMan said...

The years have a way of catching up all at once.