Thursday, April 25, 2013

The Seven Major Laws of Zombies

We all know the religious fundamentalists. The guys who believe in, and adhere to, the letter of their holy books as published for them to see and read.

I never thought I'd compare myself in any way to those jokers, but in one strain of thought, I am a fundie.

I'm a Romero zombie fundamentalist.

Yeah, that's right. You don't like it? Then kiss my happy white zombie-writin' ass.

Here are the rules as laid down by the Great Prophet of Zombies, George A. Romero (gore be upon his name).

 1: Zombies are slow. That's right. No running zombies. No dashing zombies. No zombies out to win an Olympic race. They are slow. They are implacable. They do not give up.

2: Zombies only eat living human flesh. No eating other animals. They target living humans and kill and eat only living humans. Why? I couldn't give fuck one why. That's the way Romero made them, goddamn it.

3: They decay, but very damned slowly. They do rot, but as put forth in Romero's DAY OF THE DEAD, there is something that inhibits uncontrolled decay in them and they can last for years as zombies.

4: They are pretty much mindless. Bub (from DAY OF THE DEAD) standing almost as a fluke, zombies are pretty damned stupid and have only rudimentary memories of their lives before rising from the dead. Zombies do not operate machinery, and they don't figure out complicated puzzles or communicate with one another. They're dead. They're all messed up.

5: All people rise from the dead within a couple of hours after dying. Doesn't matter how you die, you come back to life, unless your brain was destroyed.

6: If you are bitten, you will get sick, and you will succumb, and you will rise from the dead. What is the reason for the raging fever that kills you? Hell if I know. Sepsis? I don't know. I don't really care. So it is written, so shall it be.

7: The only way to put down a zombie for good is to destroy its brain. As Chilly Billy says: "Bash 'em or burn 'em. They go up pretty good."

These are the Seven Major Laws of the Romero Zombie. Anything else is heresy and should be roundly condemned as such. I have spoken.

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