Friday, July 26, 2013

Not All That Unusual

Someday--when I'm not employed by USPS anymore--I need to write down all of the weird shit I've seen delivering mail from house to house.

One time I was delivering a registered package to a house. I rang the doorbell. A gigantic woman filled the threshold as the door opened. I'm 5'10" tall and found myself staring into the enormous cleavage of insanely huge breasts squeezed manically into a tube top. "Registered parcel," I said and handed her the signature sheet and a pen. Then a monster hairy paw easily twice the size of my own hand came into view and took the pen from me. "THANKS," came the voice, rumbling up from deep within granite tombs, a sound not unlike the thumping of dynamite in the earth from a nearby quarry. He was obviously not quite that far down the road to being a she. Before I could so much as move out of the way, the owner of those gigantic tits--probably standing six and a half feet tall and outweighing me by 100 pounds--exited the house in a hurry followed by a willow-thin boyfriend who looked kind of like a dark-skinned version of Ichabod Crane.


4 comments:

MarkGelbart said...

When I worked as a route manager for the Augusta Chronicle, I lifted weights one afternoon and saw this little black guy who could benchpress 300 pounds.

The following night, while I was throwing a paper route on one of my unfilled routes, I saw the same guy wearing a dress and walking down Lucky Street. (Lucky Street was a place where I guess one could get lucky. Sex and drugs sold openly.)

I also frequently saw this guy at the place where the papers were dropped for the carriers, and he was always hitting the carriers up for money by claiming that he ran out of gas and needed a few bucks.

Whenever he saw me though, he left, because he knew I knew who he was and was aware of his panhandling con game.

James Robert Smith said...

The world is full of strange folk. They make good fictional characters, but I don't want to hang out with them.

Kirk G said...

What a great story to base a character on. Have you thought of writing a short story based upon him, or perhaps a character in one of your novels?

James Robert Smith said...

Notable folk I have met in my line of work either have appeared in my fiction or eventually will.