Thursday, March 07, 2013

Self-publishing Ebook Advice.

Even though a hefty portion of my own book sales are via ebooks (but not self-published), I am not particularly happy with the form. Small press publishers are one thing. However, I see self-published ebooks as the end of literature. For that reason, I am listing the following advice for writers who wish to self-publish.

1: Don't do it. That's right. Don't self-publish your ebook. This is because, chances are, your book sucks Holy Roman Ass. And, yes, I'm talking specifically about YOUR book. Uh-huh, I've read your self-published ebook. Or, tried to. The thing is, they all suck, as I said, Holy Roman Ass. I don't care if your mom told you the book was great. It doesn't matter if your pal who lives two blocks over thinks it's the best thing he's ever read. And even if your third-period English teacher told you that you show talent...well, that teacher's lying to make you feel better...that's part of her job. In fact, though, your book or short story SUCKS!

2: Don't self-publish your books because we all know that you are an ego-mad and pretty much bothersome asswipe. And, yes, once again I'm talking about YOU. The market (such as it's called) is currently flooded beyond all hope of redemption with self-published garbage. I realize that there are a few among your number (but not YOU) who do know how to write. But what you're doing is adding to the shitheap that keeps anyone from finding those one or two novels in there with your muck that might be worth reading.

3: Avoid poisoning the book market; because you did nothing whatsoever to earn a place at my reading desk. Nothing. You never sold a story. You never went through the winnowing process that parted the wheat from the chaff. Your prose is like the extrusion from a bear's ass after it has been eating carrion and huckleberries. Yeah, it's runny, smelly shit. Keep your finger off of that publish button at Amazon and Smashwords. You suck. Your so-called "work" sucks. Your mom sucks for not spontaneously aborting you when you were just newly fertilized genetic material. You never should have fucking been born. I'm talking about YOU (if you're thinking of self-publishing).

4: Don't inflict the world with your awful prose by reasoning that because some self-published books are well written you think yours is one of them. Yes, I fully understand that there are exceptions to every rule. There have been--on EXTREMELY rare occasions--self-published books that won't make me vomit. But not YOUR book. YOU can't write worth a dingleberry on the anus of a 500-pound man whose ass has not been properly wiped in six years.

5: Bottom line, don't fucking self-publish. If you can't find a publisher willing to shepherd your work through to the light of print...then keep your puking awful prose to your puking self. And, yes, I'm talking to YOU.

"I'm self-publishing my great romance nove...BLARGH!"

"I just read your self-published novel and...BLARGH!"

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